porcelain heart.

Okay, so it's been a while since I last wrote.

I guess the main reason would be, I didn't know how to write what I have been feeling for these past few days. The only explanation would be, blank, indescribeable, empty. Although I must say I have been doing relatively well, it's just very up and down.

This is my weekend off, and needless to say I'm thrilled. Tonight I am a little bit bummed though because I ended up just sitting at home watching movies and curling up by the fire, when I was hoping to hang out with some of my friends. There's not much you can do when you get snowed in, and I'm not even going to risk trying to leave like my room mate did today. She got halfway down my hill and started sliding really bad, and we had to get a guy to go stop traffic at the bottom of the road so she could slide it out. It was pretty scary, so I'm here. Alone. It's harder when I have nights or even days like this because I think and sulk that much more. But I'm trying not to think about it and be happy regardless. I am excited about tomorrow because I get to baby-sit Max and Eli. I have missed them so so much, and I also miss spending time with their mom. She is expecting a little girl almost on my birthday, and I couldn't be more excited about it. I love seeing the boys, and then seeing what's on it's way in just a few short months just by looking at her cute round belly. It makes me realize that things do eventually work out, and there is good in every situation. If she hadn't have left her high school sweetheart husband, she wouldn't have met her husband now, and these 2 almost 3 bundles of joy wouldn't be here. I can't see my life without that family, and I cannot wait for the 3rd one.

Sunday I am hoping to make a trip to Hendersonville for Chrysalis for the day. My mission has been to find someone (from Chrysalis) to go there with me on Sunday, but so far no luck. I am hoping to go with or without someone, but I would prefer to have some company. I haven't been to Chrysalis in so so long, I hope it's not a whole new crowd when I get there, or I really will feel uncomfortable if I don't have someone with me. Either way, I'm sure I'll have a good time.

Now all I have to do is do everything possible to keep myself from thinking about anything other than the blessings God has placed into my life, and hopefully have a good nights rest that I desperately need.




Broken heart one more time
Pick yourself up, why even cry
Broken pieces in your hands
Wonder how you'll make it whole

You know, you pray
This can't be the way
You cry, you say
Something's gotta change
And mend this porcelain heart of mine

Someone said "A broken heart
Would sting at first then make you stronger"
You wonder why this pain remains
Were hearts made whole just to break

Creator only You take brokenness
And create it into beauty once again.

Phil 1:6

Wow. I don't even know where to start.


Worked yesterday. From 6:30 am to 7pm. Work wasn't too awful bad, we had students from high school doing clinicals with us, which helped me a great deal, so a lot of the time I was just standing around socializing with the patients, which I don't usually get much time to do. Looking around the room of all the precious patients who got stuck with Alzheimers or Dimentia makes me think a lot. It makes me grateful to be in the state of health that I am in, and also grateful that my family has not shown any signs of either disease. Every night I find myself praying for a cure to them one day. Living in that state of confusion or anger would drive me crazy. But it just makes me love my patients even more, and I respect each and every one of them more than anything.


Once I got off work last night I came home and got a message from the girl who was supposed to move in with me at the end of the month. Of course, she says she can't move in after all. Which was another big blow to my bad start of the new year. My room mate is moving out in 3 weeks, and that does not give me much time to find someone not only that can afford it, but that I can stand to live with. I just hit rock bottom last night. I feel as though everything in my world is crashing down around me all at one time, and there is nothing I can do about it. I feel stuck. Then the night just continued to get worse, and I'm not going to go into detail about it, but needless to say I am having a hard time of letting go of Levi. I don't know or understand why it is so hard this time, but I can't seem to do it. I know I NEED to, and that one day I will be so much better off, but it's so hard for me to face and admit. He is running over my heart again and again, and I need to stop being so vulnerable to it. Period.


Today I met with Shannon at Panacea for lunch, which we have not done in ages. It feels good to be meeting with friends I haven't seen in a while again, and having their support. She helped me a great deal with every word she spoke, and now I feel as if I have more peace with my situation. I know this because she has been in a similar situation for quite sometime. It always helps when you have someone to relate to, even if it isn't necessarily a good thing. It's good to know I'm not alone, even though I feel lonelier than I have felt in a long time.


When it comes down to it I am still thankful. Thankful for everything I do have, my cabin, my job, my family, and my friends. I need to remind myself of the true things that make me happy, and realize that God's work in me is far from over. The other day at my bible study Mo read Phil 1:6 and I fell in love with it. I think it is my new favorite bible verse...for now. =]



"Being confident of this, he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Jesus Christ."

Real Girl.

New blog, new start.

this is for the girls who never won.
who stay up late at night listening
to music that inspires them to do things,
next to impossible .
the girls that laugh, smile & cry
and think on a daily basis.
the girls who learn & regret.
the girls who never have it easy .
the girls who learn the hard way
& live to tell about it.
the real girls.


I hate how fast things can go from amazing to awful. How you can be smiling from ear to ear one second, and just one little thing can bring you down. I hate how you put all your effort into something, and end up failing in the end, and how you can wish and hope things will work out, but you later figure out it's not part of God's plan. But that's just it. God's plan. I think one of the hardest things to do in life is accept God's true plan for our lives, because most of the time at that particular moment, it's not what we want for ourselves. We are so selfish to think that he is wrong, and we know ourselves better. That's what I have had to tell myself here lately. I moved out seeking freedom and happiness, and now I find myself in a pit of stress, and confusion. I went to my first semester of college while working a 40 hour week 40 minutes away. I physically could not do both, because I was up all night doing papers and stuff, and then up at 4:30 in the morning to go work a 12 hour shift? Somehow I did it though. Passed my first semester of college with almost straight As, but I felt like if I took one more semester while keeping this job I have it just would not work. Then it turns out that my college screws up my academic goals in becoming a nurse, by not telling me I needed a certain class by a certain time to apply for nursing program of 2008. So that left me thinking, maybe I should find another job, and think of another long term goal of what I want to become. Working as a nurse aid has kindof shown me the side of nurses that I never want to become, so why would I want to become like them? So now I am not going to school, and just working. Seems like it would be a piece of cake but I still feel stuck in this sticky world. The guy that I have been dating for close to 2 years and I have recently ended our relationship. This took out a lot of me, and again was one of those situations I didn't want to accept God's plan for me. Why would he put me through what I have been going through? Simply the answer is for long term happiness one day, and maybe finding the right guy for me eventually, but I don't even want to think about another guy. I put my heart and soul into this relationship and ended up failing at it. So now, I am doing nothing but working, and being alone. All my friends are in school of some kind, and I am so lonely. I almost wish I could go to school just for one class even, so that I can meet new people, and keep up with my longterm friends. I guess that's something I will have to figure out through time. My roommate is moving out at the end of the month, and I am supposed to be moving in another one of my friends, which I suppose is something to look forward to. Hopefully this time it will work out. Hopefully in time, everything will work out. At least that's what I pray.


I guess all I can do is pray for healing and strength to keep going, and keep up with my family and friends that have supported and loved me all along.



"If that's what it takes to praise you, Jesus bring the rain."