My brokenness helped me to see; It's grace I'm standing on.

Sigh. I love Anne Geddes' Photography. =]

It is closing in on 3:30 pm and I have been here, at school since 9 this morning. What a long day. I stayed after to try to get a lot of my math homework done, and 3 and a half hours later I only got about half of it done. I think that's a bit ridiculous, how can they expect us to have that kind of time? Especially when I will be moving in this weekend, it's going to be pretty hectic. But I'm going to do my best to get everything leveled out.

No work today, so I am going to go to the house and continue to pack. I bought gigantic tubs yesterday to make it easier to pack clothes, since I'm guessing this isn't going to be the last time I have to move. It just makes sense, so it's easier when i DO move. I'm sick of hauling my clothes around from house to house in trashbags, the looks people give me though are hilarious I do admit. I woke up this morning and was way too lazy to even change clothes for school, therefore I didn't and came in a t-shirt and my boyfriend's old gym shorts, haha. It feels more like Friday that way! I am starting to get so anxious about this move, and the fact I haven't met my roomies yet. Regardless, I'm trying to think as positive as possible, and I'm very much looking forward to it.

I went back to the doctor yesterday and my nose looks ten times better than it did two or three days ago! Even today looks better than yesterday. I think the infection is gone, and now all that's left to do is heal completely. How cool is that? After I left the doctor I was hungry so I decided to hop over to Off The Grill and grab a sandwhich. When I was walking in I heard someone call my name, and it turned out to be my cousin. (The one I live with whose girlfriend and I can't live together, apparently). Well he ended up insisting on buying my lunch and having me eat with him. I was really surprised, but happy at the same time because we never get to see eachother or talk to eachother without Tenille or the baby being there. So it was nice to sit down and have a decent conversation, and improve our relationship before I move out. He is going through so much and works so hard, he needs someone to talk to, especially after I'm gone. So I'm glad we established that, and I am going to miss him for sure. But at least I know our relationship is better, I absolutely did not want to leave on bad notes with anyone.

So all this is really starting to come together for me, and I pray and hope it continues to do so. I will update with pictures of my new apartment and info about my new roomies as soon as I am able, I have a feeling this is going to be a busy weekend.

take me as i am; or watch me as i go.

I have never been so grateful to be through with school for the day, as I am today. I suppose Friday will be even better, with it being the weekend and all... my MOVE IN weekend. =D

Yeah, so um... yesterday I woke up to find the whole left side of my face completely swollen. Turns out my nose ring is BEYOND infected, and it has taken over my life for a while. I never realized how important my nose is. Every time I yawn, or laugh, or sing, or sneeze, I seriously want to cut my nose off my face. It was so bad yesterday Harmon and his mother forced me to go to a doctor. All she did was hand me some antibiotics and tell me to come back in a couple days, so it looks like I'm gonna fight this infection with the ring still in my nose. Which im all for, because if I can get it to heal without having to take it out that would be great, but at this point, I want the damn thing out of my nose haha. I can't wear makeup, or hardly go out in public im so embarrassed of it. Oh well, take me as I am right? Infection, or no infection I'm still me.

Okay, so that was stupid. Today I have been so incredibly anxious and fidgety. All through math I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin, one of those check the clock and only a minute has gone by days, I hope that's not an indicator as to how the rest of my day will be.

The rest of my day is only going to consist of working though, luckily. I am hoping to be able to go take a short nap before (wouldn't that be nice.) I would normally go to the gym after but Im so scared of sweating into my infection and making it worse. So I guess its back to the house to clean and pack some more.

Other than the infection life is swell. I have 99 dollars to my name (until my pay check goes through), but im completely fine with that. I'm glad I'm not working 24/7 just to get by. Maybe when this nose ring thing gets better I will go apply for a second job, but I'm in no hurry. The last thing I want to do right now is put more stress into my life, because for once, I'm not that stressed out, I'm pretty darn happy. And so so thankful for evvvverything! =D

haha. with or without an infection on your face.

Life gave me lemonade.

Quick update.

I have a new apartment, that I move into on the 1st of the month! And it turns out my apartment is directly under one of my friends, so that's pretty neat. I went there yesterday to pick out the one I wanted, and it turned out not one of my future roommates were home. So I still haven't met them, but I am still very excited and thinking very positive about the situation. I think life is slowly just getting better and better for me.

Today is my daddy's birthday, and I am so so sad that I am not home for that. I was planning on going home today, but I needed to stay and make some money so I can pay my first month's rent on the 1st when I move in. I am also missing Max's birthday party on Sunday that he kept insisting I go to, and that just breaks my heart entirely. I will make it up to both of them somehow.

I am just taking life day by day, and dealing with it as it comes at me. I'm trying not to think so negative anymore, and seeing the good out of every situation. It is absolutely necessary if I want to change my life around.


^ Possibly the most beautiful Valentines Day roses I have ever received.

What I have realized is that Life didn't just give me lemons, it already gave me the lemonade, and all i have to do is drink it and be happy =D.

maybe i just wasn't in the mood for normal human behavior;

Beautiful things come out of horrible situations. I know that for a fact. Out of sadness you get a newfound wisdom on how the world can look with a haze of gray clouds, how people can be senseless, how you can see the universe in a whole new way. And that may be hard to handle, hard to cope, hard to accept, but it's so damn beautiful if you really take the time to realize. Out of anger you can feel your heartbeat race, with every beat it is shaking your whole being and not only the heavy steps you take. It is when you, your whole self and some power is telling you that you are alive. And that is amazing in every angle. Out of anything there is something in there that makes it incredible. Something that makes it shine. Whatever it is is potent and it is a blessing to be able to feel what you feel. You just have to think about it.

I know i have yet to explain the dramatic details of the past week.
Basically my cousin (my roommate)'s girlfriend and I cannot live together. Period. We have kept personal issues we have with each other locked inside since we moved in, and they all just exploded at once. I thought it was going to be a fist fight, and I am not like that. I have come to learn my lesson that I do not need to be living with couples as roommates, especially when a baby and/or marriage is involved.

Luckily, Harmon and his family have been incredibly supportive through this. They have let me stay with them, so I don't even have to worry about coming in much contact with her to avoid confrontation. It is still hard because my stuff is still there, and things still need to be done. I guess this is where maturity has to come in. Today for instance I finally went there needing a shower and to do a load of laundry. The washer was running when I got there, so I was waiting till it was done so that I would have hot water. Right when it was done she started doing dishes and was running the hot water for at least 30 minutes. So then I had to wait another 15 minutes or so to wait for the hot water heater to recover, then she started another load of laundry!! And she absolutely knew I was intending to get in. Urghghgh. I swear I was about to jump out of my skin in anger, but instead i curled up in my Georgia chair, and read a little bit of Breaking Dawn. Strangely enough it seemed to calm my nerves, and of course the fact that I will no longer be living there in about ten days or so!!

Yesterday I was desperate to find a place to live, because I only had till the end of the month to do so anyways. Luckily one of the apartment complexes called me back with vacancy, and had me come over to tour. It seemed like the way to go, and it will at least get me through the semester. It is also a student apartment complex, so hopefully I will meet more people my age and make some new friends. The only thing is I will be moving in with 3 other roommates that I have never met before, but I have already had every extreme possible in a roommate, how bad can it get? ANYTHING seems better than the situation im in right now. Tomorrow I get to go meet a few of them though, and pick out which room I want. =D

And like I said through all of this Harmon and his family have been amazing. I really went through a serious phase of depression, I couldn't stop crying or worrying about what was going to happen from here on. I had never felt so alone, and unappreciated. But they helped me get back on my feet, and helped to show me even though my family is 3 hours away, I will always have a family in them. Harmon loves me, regardless. And I love him. I am very lucky to have him in my life. He is my best friend, and my lover, and I really don't know what I would do without him. If we don't work out, then so be it. But for now, I'm taking my chances. This is twice he has been incredibly understanding of my roommate troubles, and is very optimistic about my future home at University Walk Apartments.

And so am i. =]

I need to find stability before I lose my anchor.

My pen has run dry.

My ears are tired of hearing the same old things.

I wanted to escape repetition, but I am afraid that life will only repeat itself.

I miss the ones I have lost, and I miss not having to care.

Life seemed so much easier when I could disconnect; and yet it only led to the bottom.

Too much is up in the air.

I need stability before I lose my anchor.

I am a scared child with a backpack, ready to head out into the world.

This time though, I don't have my vices.

This time, I get to do this completely alone.

All I am going to say is this.
Within the past few days I have realized how truly alone I am. And how I don't really have a choice but to move ahead.Regardless of the fear, the uncertainty, and the doubts, I have to prove that I can find my way in the darkest of corridors.

And I will.

there's no better way to live than in the moment; right here. right now.

Hm.

The past couple days have been extremely rollercoaster-ish. I'm not going to go into major detail about Monday night, because it still upsets me to talk about it. But basically Monday evening I almost lost my best friend, and it was all my fault. (And I didn't even intend to fuck up, but apparently its really easy for me). People tend to come to me when they need someone to talk to, which is great, and I love listening and helping as much as I can. But what are you supposed to do when someone comes to you over and over, and it's really not your place to say anything? I have avoided it for so long, and finally I said my honest opinion. I was very careful with what I put, and the way I put it, and also trusted Benji when I told him. But he threw me under the bus as soon as it came out and used it against her. Saying things like "Everyone thinks you treat me bad, even your best friend." Which is something I never ever said. Ugh. It makes me sick to even think about it, and how much drama was involved. I can't stand it when people I care about are angry with me for things I really didn't mean to do. I would never choose to hurt her, let alone talk mad crap about her relationship with Benji. Like I said it isn't my place, and it's my fault I said anything in the first place. When I was in the heat of the moment I was thinking wow, I am never giving advice again. 5 minutes later James calls me and says, "Bonnie, I really need your advice." haha. It made me smile, and I realized that's not possible. Regardless, people need me, I just need to be more careful I guess.

Other than that I think we have worked things out. But I definitely don't trust either of them right now, especially Benji. Things like this are the very reason I miss being single sometimes. It is soooo much less drama, and heartache. Have I figured out my position? No. I have just been praying, and driving in my car listening to songs like, "Don't worry... about a thing... cuz every little thing... is gonna be alrighhht." haha. And I suprisingly feel so much better. I don't know why I worry so much, life is way to short to do so.

I have been at the gym every night since I have been back, and I have to say I am incredibly sore, as well as my nose ring. It wasn't hurting at first but now I find myself accidentally scratching there, or rubbing it in the shower, and it hurts soooo bad. Speaking of the shower, I refuse to clean it if my roommate keeps murdering the soap in the shower, and then telling me to clean it every week. Aren't I justified in saying no to that?

Today was a really long day for me. It started out by me oversleeping an hour, and not having a chance to shower this morning before school. (I mean I took a shower last night, but still) I was running around the house trying to get my stuff together, and I was very frustrated because I was hoping to get up in time and have a little bit of time to study BEFORE school. Once I got to school I knew I would have no time, and walked into Sign Language about 15 minutes late. I have to admit, it was a good class, my professor is quite the clown! After that I had to run to quickly study for my first official math test, which I was really nervous about. Turns out I think I did pretty well, except there was one problem I just could not figure out. And that's at least 7 points off. I figured it out on the calculator, but obviously she isn't going to count it without any work. Following this stressful test, I had to drive to the Central campus in uptown Charlotte and go to the testing center to take a test for one of my online classes. (Silly to have to drive to two totally different campuses, right?) It took me an hour to get there because Mapquest does NOT know how to give directions. Once I did I was in and out in seriously 20 minutes. I was so nervous about this test, and ended up knowing every answer like it was 2nd nature to me. I was always good at history...

Because I finished so fast I had a chance to go grab some lunch at Panera, and really relax and enjoy a nice bowl of soup. I swear soup can heal anything. (Besides mashed potatoes). Then I headed to work, and decided to call and cancel my appointment at the gym, because while I was at Panera I decided I needed a break. I was stressing myself out so much, and I deserved to rest. (Plus I am super sore).

I am going to go to Courtney's apartment tonight, and hopefully have a good time, not getting bitched at by my roommates. I'm getting really sick of it. Speaking of roommates, Shannon said she might be ready to move out soon? And I'm moving back soon... it just makes sense. We are talking about it. That would be really neat if we could be roomies, I mean Id wake up to the smell of coffee every morning, how much better can it get? =D.

Tomorrow I am meeting a trainer at the gym to go over my diet, and disect the problem as to why it's so difficult for me to lose weight. After 5 months of personal training, this is the first time we are doing this. I am kinda pissed, because that's the whole reason I am paying the outrageous fee a month for it. I guess better late than never, right? Ill have my bikini body back before long!

Eek. Valentines Day Saturday.

im a drifter out on a dead end road, trying to find my way back home to get to you.

Well, needless to say this weekend was intense, on so many different levels haha.

Friday was a bit stressful. I hate to wake up super early and go to class, take a Sign Language test (that was very difficult) and then take a math quiz. Afterwards I went home and got my stuff together and packed... then met up with Harmon to eat a little before I left. We had a pretty good conversation during dinner. Then I was heading home, and my whole drive home was a really good chance to have some time to myself and to let my thoughts air out. Once I got home I got myself settled and went out to meet up with a friend, and ended up hanging out for quite some time. I had a lot of fun =]. By the time that was done with it was late and I headed back to get some rest.

Saturday was possibly one of the craziest days of my life. Woke up with the intention to go to Eli's basketball game, and right before taking a shower Katie called and said they weren't going. I was a bit bummed because I was really looking forward to watching him play and surprising with my presence as well. Therefore I got to sleep an extra hour or so, got up and got dressed, ran some errands, and met up with Shannon at Panacea. It had been so incredibly long since I had last seen her, I was extremely pleased to spend that time with her, in our old favorite spot. She still can make me the best cup of coffee =P. We sat there for 2 hours and talked and caught up on everything, which was a lot. I hope I don't go that long without talking or seeing her again, I realized how much I have missed our friendship. Once I left I headed towards Asheville to meet up with my sister, Becca. I picked her up from her dorm room and we headed straight to AJ's piercing and we both pierced our nose. The process was quite long and funny. This girl does all the piercings by herself, and we both gave her a hard time with our choice of nose jewelry. We both wanted a ring, and the ring she picked out at first we both agreed was a bit too big. So she had to find not just one but two smaller ones, so that took a while and then sterilize them. Becca decided to go first and cracked me up during the set-up process. The girl had to put a dot on her twice because Becca wasn't happy with the first one and finally when she got it right becca touched it and smeared it everywhere and was like "Oh Im sooo sorry!", haha I couldn't help but crack up. Anyways Becca squeezed my hand so hard it turned white, and I realized I probably shouldn't have watched the piercing process. Once I saw the 4 inch needle go in and come out under her nostril and onto her lip i was speechless. She had a hard time clamping the ring close enough together to clamp the ball on. Eventually she got it done, and it was my turn. It seemed to go by alot smoother and faster for me, and it was extremely painful, but it didn't last long. The hard part for me was the piercer getting the ball to clamp on my hoop. It just wouldn't. Other than that it truly wasn't that bad, and unlike my belly button piercing it didn't really hurt after the needle was out. We both left extremely pleased with the job she had done, and I have decided to go back in 2 weeks and re-pierce my belly, hehe.

^^this is a terrible picture. will post a better one, very soon.

After that I took Becca back, and drove home to pick up my other sister Sabrina and took her to eat some Chinese food. Her boyfriend and his friend came and made the whole ordeal very interesting, and slightly uncomfortable haha. Then I went back to the apartment, changed and took Sabrina home. After this I went to meet up with Jeaniece and Benji at Angie's birthday party. This party started out pretty fun, until Jeaniece and Benji got into a fight and she decided to leave. A lot of my friends were there, and I had a pretty good time altogether. Losing in a game of Asshole did me in though, and I was up most of the night.

Sunday morning I woke up 3 hours later wide awake and not able to go back to sleep. So I got up, packed and cleaned, and went to go see Katie and the kids. This comforted me quite a bit, and I was so glad to get to see them. Katie has always been a big support and influence in my life, as well as her sister who I was not so lucky to get to see this time. Max was adorable as ever, hugging me every 2 seconds and kissing me too. (He gives great kisses for a 3 year old, haha). Eli was a little moody, but still my favorite 5 year old =]. It is insane how big baby Ali Beth is getting, she is 9 months old now, and one of the most beautiful little girls I have ever seen. I spent hours over there, talking and getting advice and oddly enough healing. After I said my goodbyes I met up with a couple friends to say goodbye before i left, which made me not want to leave even more. Then it was time to say goodbye to my parents and when I walked in the house they were watching home videos of me and my sisters when we were tiny, and my mom had tears in her eyes. (Like that was supposed to make it easy to leave and go back to Concord). We talked and my mom didn't notice my nose ring till later, and once she did started crying again. I felt bad, but I assured her it was a minor piercing and once I get a stud it will be a lot less dramatic and noticeable. Oops.

Then my drive home was long and smooth. I had a lot of time to think, but it never seems like enough. By the time I got back I was exhausted from the lack of sleep the night before, and it only took about ten minutes to be in bed. Laying there I was very grateful I got to go home, and can't wait to go back in two weeks to celebrate my dad and max's birthday. Home is just a reminder of how truly blessed I am and why. How could I not be homesick?

Being back is the same as I left it.
Just 2 weeks.

heres to the nights we felt alive.

Today has been a day of reflecting for me.

Remembering why and how things in my life have come to be the way they are, and what I am going to do from this point. Regardless, one thing is unevitable and that is the fact that things absolutely do happen for a reason. Reasons we may not understand, but eventually we figure it out. So I am trusting God with all my heart, that the decisions I make, and the road I decide to go down will lead me to where I am supposed to be.

Meanwhile, how do I know if letting go is the right thing? One minute I think I know, and then the next I'm not so sure anymore. I have never had such a hard time figuring out if something was right for me or not. Usually it's just something that is right or wrong, plain and simple. I told Harmon today that regardless of what was going to happen with us, I was positive that I need to move back home at the end of the semester. This did not make him very happy and I could tell it bothered him as much as it did me. We both have a lot to think about, and figure out, even if we are going to be just friends from here on out.

On the happy side of life, I get to go home tomorrow. I am so so very excited, especially to see my sisters. Sabrina called me last night and she was in tears. I asked her what was wrong and she went on and on saying how much she missed me, and she needed me but I wasn't there. This killed me. My whole purpose in life is to be there for people I love and care about and the fact I couldn't be there for her tore me apart. It tears me apart I can't be there like I would like to for my other sister either, because I know she is having a hard time as well. This weekend I am going to be doing a lot of thinking, and spending a lot of time with those that give me positive advice, and that can give me back what I feel like I am missing in Concord. Maybe if I go to the right person, or place I will figure out everything I need to know, and come back to Concord with the right tools and knowledge to do the right thing. Whatever it may be.

Tonight is going to be a long night. I am going to go to the gym, take it a bit easy since I am still sore from my hard workouts all week, and then study and pack for tomorrow. Pray that I pass both of my exams tomorrow so I can come home in peace!!

long time, no post.

I cannot even begin to explain how busy and complicated my life has been within these past few months.

I am no longer living with Andy and Eden. As I mentioned in my last post, there was starting to be a lot of tension in the house. With them being a family, it became harder and harder to get along, with me not being a part of it. I can understand reasons, and now we get along just fine. I thought I was going to have to move back home, but then last minute I bumped into my cousin I haven't seen in a while, and found out he was living in Concord with his fiance, and their baby boy. (Another baby... words cannot express how hard it was for me to leave Noah Bear). So they offered me to stay with them at least another semester, so a week later I moved in (around thanksgiving or so). Ever since times have been a little easier, but still not easy. Even though my cousin and his fiance aren't married they still are practically a family and once again I feel like im intruding. Although I am helping them out financially I am sick of feeling like I am just in people's hair. My cousin's fiance is on my back about everything I do wrong, and has already even blamed me for relationship problems between her and my cousin. Which is absolutely ridiculous, I am hardly ever even there. I think it's all just bad timing, just like everything else in my life. I have pretty much decided to move back home at the end of the semester, and work on getting my own place again, at least it will be mine, with my rules, and I won't feel invasive on anyone's lives anymore. I am sick of losing people I care about because of it.

On top of all this stress, school this semester is pretty tough. I am taking Sign Language, with a catch. My professor is deaf, as well as everyone else who teaches and works in the ASL lab. Therefore it makes it very difficult to be clear about what is what, and what it means. I am also refreshing on my math skills, which isn't really hurting me at all. I am also working, but not as much as I was. It helps me as far as my energy level, but financially I am struggling.

And finally, my relationship with Harmon is on the rocks. We have been together going on 5 months (which isn't very long, and way too soon to be having problems like this)... but right now we technically aren't even together. I love this boy more than words could ever describe, but constantly we find ourselves fighting, and over the same few issues over and over again. Each time it takes something out of us we can't get back, and it kills me to know that we don't see eye to eye on so many things. Emotionally, we are perfect for eachother. We have so many little things in common, and we have great chemistry. But we also are very very different. I am just hoping God helps me figure this one out. What is meant to be will find it's way, right?

All the while I am feeling very lonely in Concord. Nothing has really changed about that, I actually have come to despise it here. I am driving back to the mountains this weekend to see friends and family, and really think about some things. Hopefully ill find my inspiration there, that's where it's been all along.

And I am so so grateful to the friends and family who have been there for me all along. I will update more often, promise. =]