heres to the nights we felt alive.

Today has been a day of reflecting for me.

Remembering why and how things in my life have come to be the way they are, and what I am going to do from this point. Regardless, one thing is unevitable and that is the fact that things absolutely do happen for a reason. Reasons we may not understand, but eventually we figure it out. So I am trusting God with all my heart, that the decisions I make, and the road I decide to go down will lead me to where I am supposed to be.

Meanwhile, how do I know if letting go is the right thing? One minute I think I know, and then the next I'm not so sure anymore. I have never had such a hard time figuring out if something was right for me or not. Usually it's just something that is right or wrong, plain and simple. I told Harmon today that regardless of what was going to happen with us, I was positive that I need to move back home at the end of the semester. This did not make him very happy and I could tell it bothered him as much as it did me. We both have a lot to think about, and figure out, even if we are going to be just friends from here on out.

On the happy side of life, I get to go home tomorrow. I am so so very excited, especially to see my sisters. Sabrina called me last night and she was in tears. I asked her what was wrong and she went on and on saying how much she missed me, and she needed me but I wasn't there. This killed me. My whole purpose in life is to be there for people I love and care about and the fact I couldn't be there for her tore me apart. It tears me apart I can't be there like I would like to for my other sister either, because I know she is having a hard time as well. This weekend I am going to be doing a lot of thinking, and spending a lot of time with those that give me positive advice, and that can give me back what I feel like I am missing in Concord. Maybe if I go to the right person, or place I will figure out everything I need to know, and come back to Concord with the right tools and knowledge to do the right thing. Whatever it may be.

Tonight is going to be a long night. I am going to go to the gym, take it a bit easy since I am still sore from my hard workouts all week, and then study and pack for tomorrow. Pray that I pass both of my exams tomorrow so I can come home in peace!!

long time, no post.

I cannot even begin to explain how busy and complicated my life has been within these past few months.

I am no longer living with Andy and Eden. As I mentioned in my last post, there was starting to be a lot of tension in the house. With them being a family, it became harder and harder to get along, with me not being a part of it. I can understand reasons, and now we get along just fine. I thought I was going to have to move back home, but then last minute I bumped into my cousin I haven't seen in a while, and found out he was living in Concord with his fiance, and their baby boy. (Another baby... words cannot express how hard it was for me to leave Noah Bear). So they offered me to stay with them at least another semester, so a week later I moved in (around thanksgiving or so). Ever since times have been a little easier, but still not easy. Even though my cousin and his fiance aren't married they still are practically a family and once again I feel like im intruding. Although I am helping them out financially I am sick of feeling like I am just in people's hair. My cousin's fiance is on my back about everything I do wrong, and has already even blamed me for relationship problems between her and my cousin. Which is absolutely ridiculous, I am hardly ever even there. I think it's all just bad timing, just like everything else in my life. I have pretty much decided to move back home at the end of the semester, and work on getting my own place again, at least it will be mine, with my rules, and I won't feel invasive on anyone's lives anymore. I am sick of losing people I care about because of it.

On top of all this stress, school this semester is pretty tough. I am taking Sign Language, with a catch. My professor is deaf, as well as everyone else who teaches and works in the ASL lab. Therefore it makes it very difficult to be clear about what is what, and what it means. I am also refreshing on my math skills, which isn't really hurting me at all. I am also working, but not as much as I was. It helps me as far as my energy level, but financially I am struggling.

And finally, my relationship with Harmon is on the rocks. We have been together going on 5 months (which isn't very long, and way too soon to be having problems like this)... but right now we technically aren't even together. I love this boy more than words could ever describe, but constantly we find ourselves fighting, and over the same few issues over and over again. Each time it takes something out of us we can't get back, and it kills me to know that we don't see eye to eye on so many things. Emotionally, we are perfect for eachother. We have so many little things in common, and we have great chemistry. But we also are very very different. I am just hoping God helps me figure this one out. What is meant to be will find it's way, right?

All the while I am feeling very lonely in Concord. Nothing has really changed about that, I actually have come to despise it here. I am driving back to the mountains this weekend to see friends and family, and really think about some things. Hopefully ill find my inspiration there, that's where it's been all along.

And I am so so grateful to the friends and family who have been there for me all along. I will update more often, promise. =]

homesick.

Once again, it has been way too long since I updated.
This time it was out of pure laziness, although my life has been pretty hectic considering.

Since I last wrote I...

* Got me a boyfriend (Harmon Gibson)
* Fell in love with him =]
* Fell even more in love with Noah Carter (the baby)
* Have been working like crazy
* Joined a gym
* Got a personal trainer
* Came home a few times and cried when I had to come back
* Dropped my phone in the toilet
* Had some problems with my roommates

and many, many other things that aren't that interesting.


I guess I can start with the boyfriend, Harmon. We met actually because his younger brother, James is one of my patients. James has been my patient since I moved here and we, as well as I and his family have all gotten extremely close. A few months ago Harmon actually asked me to hang out one night, and that turned into another night and another and another. I couldn't help but fall for this guy, and as of September 19th we started officially dating. I haven't been this happy in a long time, and he never ceases to amaze me. He treats me like I'm worth something. He respects me and supports everything that's important to me, loves and respects the people that I do, and he is the most outgoing person I have ever met. He went back home to the mountains with me the last time I went, and I couldn't have asked for a better weekend. We stayed with Katie, and because of that he had the opportunity to get to know my second family on a better level, and understand why her and her children mean so much to me. I introduced him to quite a few people that weekend and not one person didn't love him! And that blew my mind, because that has never happened in the past. He was so outgoing and happy to be alive and was more than happy to meet everyone important to me, happy to be in Waynesville with me! It was a fantastic weekend and ended on an even better note. I was having a hard time the night we were leaving because I wasn't ready to leave. On the way out I took him up to the cross at Lake Junaluska because he hadn't yet seen it at night. We stood out by the cross and looked out on the lake and he stood in front of me and thanked me for the wonderful weekend. Then I spilled, I said, nooooo thank you! You absolutely blew my mind this weekend, you were so perfect, and thank you so much for being so great about everything! I love that you helped the blind woman at the game, I love that you played with Eli and Max, I love that you this and that and kept on. He finally interrupted me and looked at me in the eyes and said, "Well I love you."

Wow.

Needless to say I was caught completely off guard and extremely shocked. But I knew right then and there he was right. We had fallen in love, and that particular weekend proved it. It was the best weekend and night of my life, and since then life has been amazing for me. I have been blessed with a guy who loves me for who I am, and loves every part of it!! Not only that his family loves that we are together and I have grown especially close to them as well, and mine and his brother (my patient)'s relationship gets stronger everyday. Sooo... I am in love, madly, and thank God everyday for this blessing I call the Gibson family!!!

...On another note. I am not doing so well as far as my roommates go. They are planning to move at the end of the semester, leaving me with no place to go, and that has created quite a bit of tension in the house. Harmon and his family are trying really hard to help me figure out a place to live, but it's still very stressful and something I wish I didn't have to deal with right now.

What doesn't help more than anything is the fact that I am so homesick. Other than the amazing boyfriend and his family I don't really have anyone here in Concord, and it's been very hard on me. I'm just hoping everything will soon work itself out...






I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

if it makes you happy...

Once again, it's been far too long. But I have an excellent excuse =].

These past few weeks have been absolutely crazy. I moved into my new home on July 31st. Ever since it's been all about settling in, making friends, getting started with my new job, and finishing up school business. So far, so good. I'm completely settled in at this point I would say, and school starts tomorrow, and I'm all set. My new job is so far amazing, I couldn't have asked for a better job. I have one particular patient I work with 3 days a week and I am already incredibly attached and I have so many ideas and plans for him. I can't wait to put them to work! My only problem so far is the friends category. Of course I knew that by moving here it would be a really slow start and an incredibly difficult process to make decent friends here. I already knew I was moving in with 2 and a half of the best friends I have in my life at this point anyways, so that made it a bit easier... but still. Living with a married couple and their beautiful baby got to me more than I thought. I realized how lonely I was, and have been for quite some time. And I realized with my current work situation and school situation it's going to be hard for me to make a lot of friends. I have met maybe one or two people here besides eden and andy so far. But I know it's only going to go up from here. I just know it! I also found a new church. I am in love with it it reminds me so so much of my home church. Almost identical actually it's quite scary. I'm hoping the more involved I become with the church the more people I will get to know and eventually become close to in the future.

Besides that I am extremely thankful and blessed to be here. I don't know where I would be if I were still back home, but I know I have a purpose here in Concord. I am falling in love with baby Noah more and more everyday, and I am so glad I get to help Andy and Eden out from time to time. It's the least I can do, after all they have done for me.

I have also realized who some of my true friends are and aren't back home. There are some people that begged me not to leave that haven't bothered to get in touch with me since weeks before I left. And so on... it's very sad, but I am glad to know now, I suppose. But I am also very grateful for the friends back home that haven't left my side. It gives me much more to look forward to when I come back, which is actually going to be in a few short weeks. And I can't wait. =]

I'm hoping to update this more often so my entries can be more based on more specific areas of my life. Like my old blogs used to be. But with school starting tomorrow and all of my classes being online I don't know how that's going to work, but I'll sure try!

Heres some quick pic updates:


my house.


my room.


my room again.


sleepy noah and sammy. i was there too for a while hehe.


me and noah =] the best baby ever.


goodnight loves.

A New Start.

Wow, so much has happened since my birthday. I'm not quite sure where to begin.

I guess I can start by saying I am still single. =] Which I don't mind a bit, I actually love it this way... Levi moved to Nasheville a couple weeks ago for College, and our "frienship" since then hasn't really existed. I guess this is the way God wants it, though I was really starting to enjoy being able to have a frienship with him. Right before he left though, he got a tattoo on the inside of his arm, and I pierced my belly button! This summer so far has been nothing but random acts of spontanuity [however it is you spell taht]... and I absolutely love it.

For instance, Jessica came back into town about a month ago and we went to visit Katie and the baby, and while sitting there we saw a commercial for Carowinds and decided to go that very next morning. We were fortunate enough to stay with Andy and Eden [my best friends in Concord] while we were there, and because of this one silly little decision to go have a fun weekend, it turned into a serious discussion of me moving in with them for school in the fall. A discussion that lasted for a few weeks, and then I decided to go down there again on my following weekend I had off from work, and the discussion turned into a for sure decision. They have a newborn baby boy named Noah, he is absolutely adorable, and they are two of the best people I know. My reasons for moving there are far beyond what I could list, but mostly because of the opportunity there. I stayed here, worked my ass off, and supported myself for nearly a year, but didn't really get anywhere except the simple reward of knowing I could do it on my own, I just don't wanna be a CNA for the rest of my life. Living with them would give me people to go to when I had difficulty with school, or stress at whatever job I will be doing while living there, without constantly worrying about paying every bill, and barely making enough to survive. I want to try something new. I am constantly living my life as a routine, and now that I am completely single with no romantic attachments, I have finally learned to love myself, and appreciate my abilities in life, and I believe that I can stretch those abilities far more, in a place with much more room for my creativity and love for helping others. I don't know if that sounds a little bit stuck up, but I truly believe that this is what God wants for me. He only knows how much I have prayed about this decision, and I feel as long as I live here, I am going to be suffocated from stretching my wings as far as they CAN take me. Who knows, I could be completely wrong, but at least I will know I tried. So I have given my work notice, and my last work day will be July 27th, then after that, it's all about moving. Moving on, and moving into my new setting. In two weeks or so I have a job interview, and I have applied to school for the fall semester, so hopefully things will finally start to get going for me, I don't like feeling like I'm not getting anywhere, especially when I work so hard to do so. There will be many many things I will miss about living here though, and I have beat myself up about it all the time. But I know deep down this is my home, always will be, and what's meant to be will always find it's way.

I will need all the prayers, support, and encouragement I can get! Thank you for those who have supported me nomatter what, you are what makes it hard to leave. And I mean it.

Birthday Girl.

Okay.

So these past few days have been, I guess you could say, busy. Very very busy.
Tuesday I woke up with an intense fever, and I felt as if I couldn't move a limb if i wanted to without pain shooting everywhere. So I forced myself to call in to work, which I hate doing. So I laid in bed most of the day and I was scared I was going to be that sick the next day which was my birthday. And of course, I was. Wednesday came and all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and disappear. I did not feel good at all. But I wasn't going to lay in bed all day on my birthday, so I went to Ammons with my dad at lunch time to try to eat some soup, which I did eat and it was very yummy. I don't know where my life would be without soup lol. But I sat there with Daddy and talked to him a while. Then I went back home and this was when I had the hardest time not crawling into my bed and disappearing for a little while. I got sortof dressed up for my girls group at the Coffee Zone and then I realized that I felt ten times more uncomfortable just because of the sick factor, so I ended up changing into comfotable clothes and headed on my way. Mo suprised me with a gorgeous cupcake and a card from Katie. Anyways girls group was great, and as they prayed at the end they celebrated my life which made me feel as if I wasn't sick for just a few minutes lol, but that was better than nothing I suppose.

Then I headed home to get ready for my birthday dinner at Ichibans Japanese Steakhouse, and I had picked out a cute dress and everything to wear to it, so nomatter how I felt I forced myself to dress up. By this time I was starting to feel a little better which helped immensly. I put on the dress which was a little too long for me, but i didn't care, and I even curled my hair, and it ended up looking awesome. I was quite proud of myself. We headed to the steakhouse, just me and about 7 other people, I opened some presents, ate, and then we went to barnes and noble for the 5th time for me this past week haha. I'm thinking I'm going to have to get a membership card at some point so I can at least save ten percent on books and starbucks =]. Then I came back home. When I pulled into the driveway my car was sitting there and I noticed it had bows and ribbon and writing all over it. It said Happy 19th Birthday Bonnie on the whole back window, and was just decorated from head to toe. It looked as if I got this car for my Birthday but I had the car for a year and a half now haha. It was just a creative way to humiliate me till I get the time to clean it all off. But for now it's staying. It turned out Levi had done the decorating on my car, when the whole time I thought my mom did it. That would explain the bundle of pretty wildflowers left in my seat. At least he remembered my birthday this year.

Yesterday i forced myself to go to work, which is the last thing I wanted to do. Needless to say it was one of the longest days I have ever worked, and left madder than anything just because of a coworker I had to work with yesterday. I'm not even going to go into detail about that. Then I came home and ran off the stress and then my mom called saying my new cell phone i got for my birthday came in so I got that activated last night. Then on my way home I was playing with it and got pulled over. The first thing he asked me was if i had been drinking and I was like lord no! He was like well you was going ten over and i apologized. He asked to see my license and then said well as long as your not drunk, or speeding anymore, I'll let you go, and Happy Birthday! I had obviously forgotten about the embarrassing decorative car I was driving, but somehow got me out of a ticket. =] Shew!

I got a long day ahead of me today, I have to work tomorrow, so I better take it easy.
=/.



barnes and noble.


my new favorite picture of me and bri.


my car.

have a great day loves.

exponentially blessed.

I was reading an excellent book yesterday, and it dawned on me that I hadn't written not one thing in this thing in months possibly. I also decided that everytime I am faithful to a blog, it seems to soothe and calm me as I write, so I decided to get started on that again, so I apologize for the long hiatus.

I'm finally starting to figure out life again. The fact that it's okay, and better in fact, to be single. That it's okay to hurt, and even most importantly that I am nobody without God's guidance and support. He had done major wonders in my life these past few months.

Looking at my last entry, the last thing I wrote was that me and Levi were over, I had found someone new, and my sister had moved in with me. Currently my sister is STILL living with me, which is getting better everyday, I don't know what I would do without her here with me. Me and Levi are still over, although he is trying significantly hard to get me back. I have been doing very well with turning him down though, it's like I have no feelings or sympathy anymore, which makes it fairly easy to just say no, which has always been my issue until now. I am trying to sustain a healthy friendship with him, some days it works, others not so much. Now the new guy didn't exactly work out for me, nor would I have expected it to. I guess God just wants me for himself these days, and that is perfectly fine with me. As long as all these shallow cold hearted jerks keep bouncing in and out of my life, God isn't gonna have to share me for a long time =]. I have never ever been this okay with being single, I actually love it. I am getting more time to myself, with God, and with my friends. It's so relaxing and enjoyable.

I am still working like a slave though. It is seriously physically and mentally killing me. I don't know how much more I can take, so I am currently job searching for something closer to town, and less demanding on my body. Being this stressed all the time is not healthy, especially when I am finally doing so well in every other aspect of my life.

Last but not least my latest praise is for Alicen Elizabeth Neiswonger. She was born May 15th of this year, and is the new light of my life. Her mother has become my best friend, and her two older brothers are my saving grace. I don't know what I would do without this family in my life, I thank God for them everyday! Here is a beautiful picture of the new addition to their family, and my life, and also a picture of the two best big brothers she could ask for! =p.


alicen.


maxwell.


elijah.


Wow, even through all the circumstances, I am still exponentially blessed =]