A New Start.

Wow, so much has happened since my birthday. I'm not quite sure where to begin.

I guess I can start by saying I am still single. =] Which I don't mind a bit, I actually love it this way... Levi moved to Nasheville a couple weeks ago for College, and our "frienship" since then hasn't really existed. I guess this is the way God wants it, though I was really starting to enjoy being able to have a frienship with him. Right before he left though, he got a tattoo on the inside of his arm, and I pierced my belly button! This summer so far has been nothing but random acts of spontanuity [however it is you spell taht]... and I absolutely love it.

For instance, Jessica came back into town about a month ago and we went to visit Katie and the baby, and while sitting there we saw a commercial for Carowinds and decided to go that very next morning. We were fortunate enough to stay with Andy and Eden [my best friends in Concord] while we were there, and because of this one silly little decision to go have a fun weekend, it turned into a serious discussion of me moving in with them for school in the fall. A discussion that lasted for a few weeks, and then I decided to go down there again on my following weekend I had off from work, and the discussion turned into a for sure decision. They have a newborn baby boy named Noah, he is absolutely adorable, and they are two of the best people I know. My reasons for moving there are far beyond what I could list, but mostly because of the opportunity there. I stayed here, worked my ass off, and supported myself for nearly a year, but didn't really get anywhere except the simple reward of knowing I could do it on my own, I just don't wanna be a CNA for the rest of my life. Living with them would give me people to go to when I had difficulty with school, or stress at whatever job I will be doing while living there, without constantly worrying about paying every bill, and barely making enough to survive. I want to try something new. I am constantly living my life as a routine, and now that I am completely single with no romantic attachments, I have finally learned to love myself, and appreciate my abilities in life, and I believe that I can stretch those abilities far more, in a place with much more room for my creativity and love for helping others. I don't know if that sounds a little bit stuck up, but I truly believe that this is what God wants for me. He only knows how much I have prayed about this decision, and I feel as long as I live here, I am going to be suffocated from stretching my wings as far as they CAN take me. Who knows, I could be completely wrong, but at least I will know I tried. So I have given my work notice, and my last work day will be July 27th, then after that, it's all about moving. Moving on, and moving into my new setting. In two weeks or so I have a job interview, and I have applied to school for the fall semester, so hopefully things will finally start to get going for me, I don't like feeling like I'm not getting anywhere, especially when I work so hard to do so. There will be many many things I will miss about living here though, and I have beat myself up about it all the time. But I know deep down this is my home, always will be, and what's meant to be will always find it's way.

I will need all the prayers, support, and encouragement I can get! Thank you for those who have supported me nomatter what, you are what makes it hard to leave. And I mean it.

Birthday Girl.

Okay.

So these past few days have been, I guess you could say, busy. Very very busy.
Tuesday I woke up with an intense fever, and I felt as if I couldn't move a limb if i wanted to without pain shooting everywhere. So I forced myself to call in to work, which I hate doing. So I laid in bed most of the day and I was scared I was going to be that sick the next day which was my birthday. And of course, I was. Wednesday came and all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and disappear. I did not feel good at all. But I wasn't going to lay in bed all day on my birthday, so I went to Ammons with my dad at lunch time to try to eat some soup, which I did eat and it was very yummy. I don't know where my life would be without soup lol. But I sat there with Daddy and talked to him a while. Then I went back home and this was when I had the hardest time not crawling into my bed and disappearing for a little while. I got sortof dressed up for my girls group at the Coffee Zone and then I realized that I felt ten times more uncomfortable just because of the sick factor, so I ended up changing into comfotable clothes and headed on my way. Mo suprised me with a gorgeous cupcake and a card from Katie. Anyways girls group was great, and as they prayed at the end they celebrated my life which made me feel as if I wasn't sick for just a few minutes lol, but that was better than nothing I suppose.

Then I headed home to get ready for my birthday dinner at Ichibans Japanese Steakhouse, and I had picked out a cute dress and everything to wear to it, so nomatter how I felt I forced myself to dress up. By this time I was starting to feel a little better which helped immensly. I put on the dress which was a little too long for me, but i didn't care, and I even curled my hair, and it ended up looking awesome. I was quite proud of myself. We headed to the steakhouse, just me and about 7 other people, I opened some presents, ate, and then we went to barnes and noble for the 5th time for me this past week haha. I'm thinking I'm going to have to get a membership card at some point so I can at least save ten percent on books and starbucks =]. Then I came back home. When I pulled into the driveway my car was sitting there and I noticed it had bows and ribbon and writing all over it. It said Happy 19th Birthday Bonnie on the whole back window, and was just decorated from head to toe. It looked as if I got this car for my Birthday but I had the car for a year and a half now haha. It was just a creative way to humiliate me till I get the time to clean it all off. But for now it's staying. It turned out Levi had done the decorating on my car, when the whole time I thought my mom did it. That would explain the bundle of pretty wildflowers left in my seat. At least he remembered my birthday this year.

Yesterday i forced myself to go to work, which is the last thing I wanted to do. Needless to say it was one of the longest days I have ever worked, and left madder than anything just because of a coworker I had to work with yesterday. I'm not even going to go into detail about that. Then I came home and ran off the stress and then my mom called saying my new cell phone i got for my birthday came in so I got that activated last night. Then on my way home I was playing with it and got pulled over. The first thing he asked me was if i had been drinking and I was like lord no! He was like well you was going ten over and i apologized. He asked to see my license and then said well as long as your not drunk, or speeding anymore, I'll let you go, and Happy Birthday! I had obviously forgotten about the embarrassing decorative car I was driving, but somehow got me out of a ticket. =] Shew!

I got a long day ahead of me today, I have to work tomorrow, so I better take it easy.
=/.



barnes and noble.


my new favorite picture of me and bri.


my car.

have a great day loves.

exponentially blessed.

I was reading an excellent book yesterday, and it dawned on me that I hadn't written not one thing in this thing in months possibly. I also decided that everytime I am faithful to a blog, it seems to soothe and calm me as I write, so I decided to get started on that again, so I apologize for the long hiatus.

I'm finally starting to figure out life again. The fact that it's okay, and better in fact, to be single. That it's okay to hurt, and even most importantly that I am nobody without God's guidance and support. He had done major wonders in my life these past few months.

Looking at my last entry, the last thing I wrote was that me and Levi were over, I had found someone new, and my sister had moved in with me. Currently my sister is STILL living with me, which is getting better everyday, I don't know what I would do without her here with me. Me and Levi are still over, although he is trying significantly hard to get me back. I have been doing very well with turning him down though, it's like I have no feelings or sympathy anymore, which makes it fairly easy to just say no, which has always been my issue until now. I am trying to sustain a healthy friendship with him, some days it works, others not so much. Now the new guy didn't exactly work out for me, nor would I have expected it to. I guess God just wants me for himself these days, and that is perfectly fine with me. As long as all these shallow cold hearted jerks keep bouncing in and out of my life, God isn't gonna have to share me for a long time =]. I have never ever been this okay with being single, I actually love it. I am getting more time to myself, with God, and with my friends. It's so relaxing and enjoyable.

I am still working like a slave though. It is seriously physically and mentally killing me. I don't know how much more I can take, so I am currently job searching for something closer to town, and less demanding on my body. Being this stressed all the time is not healthy, especially when I am finally doing so well in every other aspect of my life.

Last but not least my latest praise is for Alicen Elizabeth Neiswonger. She was born May 15th of this year, and is the new light of my life. Her mother has become my best friend, and her two older brothers are my saving grace. I don't know what I would do without this family in my life, I thank God for them everyday! Here is a beautiful picture of the new addition to their family, and my life, and also a picture of the two best big brothers she could ask for! =p.


alicen.


maxwell.


elijah.


Wow, even through all the circumstances, I am still exponentially blessed =]

its been too long.

So it's been way to long since I last wrote, and for that I apologize.


I honestly couldn't even begin to write all that has been going on in my life lately, but I guess I can put it into short terms.


number one.
me and levi are doooone with. I know I say that a lot, and stuff. but it's true. I have finally told him that I deserve more than what he can give me right now, and even when he calls every now and then I am still strong enough to just say look, im sorry, but im done. I almost have no pity anymore. He asked me how could I love him one week and then two weeks later be completely over him, and that's a good question. In those two weeks many things happened, but the main thing was I think God slapped me upside the head and said "girl, what are you doing waiting on him?". Which is true, that's what I was doing. I was waiting on him to come around and I knew deep down it was never going to happen. I realized it had been two weeks since he called, and that's really all it took. So goodbye levi caldwell. I'll miss the good times, but that's about it. I hope life goes well for you.


number two.
okay okay. yes. there is kinda someone else. His name is Jacob. And is pretty much amazing in every way. I'm not going to go into great detail with him either, because it's too soon to jinx myself haha. But just know that I have finally found somone that makes me smile ALL THE TIME, and treats me for what im worth. Which makes me so so so happy. We will see where life takes me with this one, we are trying to take it slow though.


number three.
Jessica my roomie moved to Florida, and now my sister Becca lives with me. Enough said.



That's about it for now. =] I got to run.

Come to Jesus.

Wow. I don't even know where to begin.

So much has happened since I last wrote.


Last friday night I was just in my room doing laundry, and I get a phone call asking me if I had heard about Luther Dyer? I was like no, what about him? I was told he was killed in a terrible car accident in Florida. My heart skipped a beat it seemed like, and then started to sink. I hate the beginning moment when you find out bad news like that especially by word of mouth, because you are in such disbelief you want to blow it off like someone was lying. But then you eventually find out it's not only true, but worse than what you thought. Luther Dyer used to be with my sister Becca a while back, and she was the first person that came to mind. I started crying for her, because I knew as soon as she found out she would be distraught. She is currently in a great relationship with a guy named Colin, and because of that relationship she hasn't had the chance to still be as close to Luther [in a friendship aspect] as she used to be. I called my mom, and at that point Becca didn't know yet. I was so nervous for her, and kept my phone close by. My mom called me saying Becca called from work, and I went to her as soon as I could. We sat there and cried together, and talked about her memories with him and everything. She was so angry at herself for not being as close lately and everything. Later on we went to the Tuscola basketball game so she could see her bestfriend, and we ended up seeing and talking to a lot of people which suprisingly was a great comfort to us, especially her. I got to see people I hadn't seen in a long time, and it reminded me of how many people I really do have in my life that truly care for me and my family.

Anyways the story turned out to be true, and so much more awful than anyone could have ever imagined. Luther, and his girlfriend Natasha and two of her friends from Florida were in an SUV driving [in florida] and a dumptruck lost control of his load and overcorrected causing him to come into oncoming traffic hitting their car head on at an estimated speed of 80 miles an hour. It is said that Luther, Natasha, the dumptruck driver, and one of the other girls all were killed on impact. There was a fifteen year old girl in the back seat who somehow managed to crawl out of the car just minutes before both cars exploded. She was airlifted to the hospital, but had so much infection in her wounds and burns she ended up not making it. This is such a serious tragedy. The dumptruck driver was married, with children [little girls im told] and the other 3 girls including natasha all had big families and loved ones. This breaks my heart entirely, and has been heavy on it for quite some time now. I am close to Luther's best friend or more like brother. He was away at Boot Camp for the Marines, and didn't find out till much later. He is allowed to come home just for a day or two for the funeral, and I think besides Luther's immediate family, John will have the most impact. Luther lived with John's family, and they were practically related. It's awful.

Luther's family visitation is tonight and I'm planning on going with my sister. Tomorrow the funeral is at 11:00. They asked my sister to sing for his funeral, which really suprised me but made me extremely happy. She picked a beautiful song, and I only pray she can hold herself together while she sings. Luther loved her voice, and will be extremely happy to hear her up in Heaven. I can only imagine what it will sound like from up there.

So as she sings Come To Jesus, I am going to be praying. A lot. God bless you Luther Dyer, I will miss you greatly.

porcelain heart.

Okay, so it's been a while since I last wrote.

I guess the main reason would be, I didn't know how to write what I have been feeling for these past few days. The only explanation would be, blank, indescribeable, empty. Although I must say I have been doing relatively well, it's just very up and down.

This is my weekend off, and needless to say I'm thrilled. Tonight I am a little bit bummed though because I ended up just sitting at home watching movies and curling up by the fire, when I was hoping to hang out with some of my friends. There's not much you can do when you get snowed in, and I'm not even going to risk trying to leave like my room mate did today. She got halfway down my hill and started sliding really bad, and we had to get a guy to go stop traffic at the bottom of the road so she could slide it out. It was pretty scary, so I'm here. Alone. It's harder when I have nights or even days like this because I think and sulk that much more. But I'm trying not to think about it and be happy regardless. I am excited about tomorrow because I get to baby-sit Max and Eli. I have missed them so so much, and I also miss spending time with their mom. She is expecting a little girl almost on my birthday, and I couldn't be more excited about it. I love seeing the boys, and then seeing what's on it's way in just a few short months just by looking at her cute round belly. It makes me realize that things do eventually work out, and there is good in every situation. If she hadn't have left her high school sweetheart husband, she wouldn't have met her husband now, and these 2 almost 3 bundles of joy wouldn't be here. I can't see my life without that family, and I cannot wait for the 3rd one.

Sunday I am hoping to make a trip to Hendersonville for Chrysalis for the day. My mission has been to find someone (from Chrysalis) to go there with me on Sunday, but so far no luck. I am hoping to go with or without someone, but I would prefer to have some company. I haven't been to Chrysalis in so so long, I hope it's not a whole new crowd when I get there, or I really will feel uncomfortable if I don't have someone with me. Either way, I'm sure I'll have a good time.

Now all I have to do is do everything possible to keep myself from thinking about anything other than the blessings God has placed into my life, and hopefully have a good nights rest that I desperately need.




Broken heart one more time
Pick yourself up, why even cry
Broken pieces in your hands
Wonder how you'll make it whole

You know, you pray
This can't be the way
You cry, you say
Something's gotta change
And mend this porcelain heart of mine

Someone said "A broken heart
Would sting at first then make you stronger"
You wonder why this pain remains
Were hearts made whole just to break

Creator only You take brokenness
And create it into beauty once again.

Phil 1:6

Wow. I don't even know where to start.


Worked yesterday. From 6:30 am to 7pm. Work wasn't too awful bad, we had students from high school doing clinicals with us, which helped me a great deal, so a lot of the time I was just standing around socializing with the patients, which I don't usually get much time to do. Looking around the room of all the precious patients who got stuck with Alzheimers or Dimentia makes me think a lot. It makes me grateful to be in the state of health that I am in, and also grateful that my family has not shown any signs of either disease. Every night I find myself praying for a cure to them one day. Living in that state of confusion or anger would drive me crazy. But it just makes me love my patients even more, and I respect each and every one of them more than anything.


Once I got off work last night I came home and got a message from the girl who was supposed to move in with me at the end of the month. Of course, she says she can't move in after all. Which was another big blow to my bad start of the new year. My room mate is moving out in 3 weeks, and that does not give me much time to find someone not only that can afford it, but that I can stand to live with. I just hit rock bottom last night. I feel as though everything in my world is crashing down around me all at one time, and there is nothing I can do about it. I feel stuck. Then the night just continued to get worse, and I'm not going to go into detail about it, but needless to say I am having a hard time of letting go of Levi. I don't know or understand why it is so hard this time, but I can't seem to do it. I know I NEED to, and that one day I will be so much better off, but it's so hard for me to face and admit. He is running over my heart again and again, and I need to stop being so vulnerable to it. Period.


Today I met with Shannon at Panacea for lunch, which we have not done in ages. It feels good to be meeting with friends I haven't seen in a while again, and having their support. She helped me a great deal with every word she spoke, and now I feel as if I have more peace with my situation. I know this because she has been in a similar situation for quite sometime. It always helps when you have someone to relate to, even if it isn't necessarily a good thing. It's good to know I'm not alone, even though I feel lonelier than I have felt in a long time.


When it comes down to it I am still thankful. Thankful for everything I do have, my cabin, my job, my family, and my friends. I need to remind myself of the true things that make me happy, and realize that God's work in me is far from over. The other day at my bible study Mo read Phil 1:6 and I fell in love with it. I think it is my new favorite bible verse...for now. =]



"Being confident of this, he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Jesus Christ."